Articles

When Kids Freeze: Understanding the Silent Impact of Imposter Feelings and Performance Anxiety 

Why ‘I don’t want to’ might really mean ‘I’m scared I’ll fail’ - and how to help.

Introduction

We don’t often think of children as having imposter thoughts. But even from a young age, many kids silently begin to question their place, their ability, and their worth.

They win a school prize and say, “It was just luck.”
They hold back a correct answer, afraid it might be wrong.
They come home with a perfect grade, then worry they won’t be able to do it again.

These aren’t just signs of low confidence. They can signal a deeper belief: that others have overestimated them, and that one day, someone will find out.

1️⃣ What Imposter Feelings Look Like in Kids

Children often lack the words to describe what they’re experiencing, but their behavior speaks volumes. Common signs include:

• Avoiding speaking in class, even when they know the answer

• Downplaying success or dismissing praise

• Constantly comparing themselves to peers

• Worrying about making mistakes or needing things to be perfect

• Seeming “lazy” or unmotivated, when in fact, they may be frozen, or overwhelmed

What can look like resistance is often a child’s nervous system in overload. The freeze response makes a child shut down, procrastinate, or retreat into quietness, not because they don’t care, but because they’re emotionally flooded.

Research supports this. Children with imposter feelings are less likely to volunteer or attempt tasks they perceive as difficult (Bravata et al., 2020). They may avoid raising their hand, turning in work late, or refuse to join group activities - not due to lack of ability, but because the fear of failing confirms their worst belief: that they don’t belong.

2️⃣ How Performance Anxiety Deepens the Doubt

Performance anxiety often walks hand-in-hand with imposter feelings. For kids, it can show up as dread before a class presentation, tears before a test, or a stomachache before sports try-outs.

It might sound like:

• “What if I mess up and everyone laughs?”

• “If I do well now, they’ll expect more next time.”

• “They picked me because they had to, not because I’m actually good.”

Behind these thoughts are cognitive pattern known as automatic negative thoughts (ANTs). Common ones include:

• Catastrophizing: “If I fail this, everything’s ruined.”

• Mind-reading: “Everyone thinks I’m not as good as the others.”

• Discounting the positives: “They said I did great, but they didn’t mean it.”

Together, these patterns feed the anxiety loop where the fear of failure and fear of being “found out” reinforce each other.

3️⃣ Why It Matters

When these patterns repeat, children begin to internalize them. They stop raising their hand: not because they don’t know the answer, but because it feels safer not to try. They stop volunteering; not because they’re not capable, but because failing might prove their fears right. Left unspoken, these beliefs can quietly shape a child’s sense of identity, limit their potential, and influence how they show up in school, sports, or social situations.

While any child can struggle with these patterns, research shows that girls may be more likely to internalize these fears. They’re often less likely to take on difficult tasks (Bravata et al., 2020) and more hesitant to voice opinions for fear of appearing incompetent (Edwards, 2019).

Over time, this can impact creativity, limit growth, and erode self-confidence. The earlier it starts, the more deeply it can take root.

But the good news? You can interrupt the cycle early, with awareness, compassion, and the right tools.

4️⃣ What Parents and Educators Can Do

Have you noticed your child or your student holding back, or avoiding new challenges? Maybe they seem disengaged or shut down under pressure. It might not be laziness or defiance. It could be a protective response to self-doubt.

Here’s how you can support them:

🔹 Name what’s happening
Introduce the idea of imposter thoughts in age-appropriate language. Explain that many people, even adults, sometimes feel like they’re not good enough, even when they are. Just naming the feeling can be empowering.

🔹 Shift the focus from outcome to effort
Celebrate how they approached a challenge, not just the result. Try “I noticed how you kept going even when it was hard.” Effort-focused feedback builds resilience.

🔹 Teach and model healthy coping strategies
Share your own moments of self-doubt or nervousness, and how you deal with them. It normalizes fear and models emotional regulation. You’re teaching self-awareness, not just survival.

🔹 Support small risks
Encourage manageable steps outside their comfort zone: raising a hand, joining a club, trying something new. Practice through role-play or visualization to make the unknown feel safer.

🔹 Offer grounding tools
Help them soothe their nervous system with simple techniques:

• Breath together (e.g., box breathing)

• Use a grounding object they can carry

• Try the 5-4-3-2-1 sensory reset

Conclusion

We all want our kids to be confident. But true confidence isn’t the absence of fear; it’s knowing how to move through fear and self-doubt with courage.

When we recognize imposter feelings and performance anxiety for what they are, and respond with understanding rather than pressure, we offer something powerful:

The chance for children to grow up knowing they don’t have to earn their worth.

They already belong.

💬 Send me a message or book a free discovery call.